Becoming the Positive One

 It's funny, I'm not really sure when it changed, but at some point I went from being that girl who saw the negatives in everything to being that woman that found the light in everything she did.  Have to wake up early for work?  Dang, but did you see the sunrise this morning?  Exhausted from a long day?  Yes, but I go so much accomplished today.  It rained again?  Look how much my tomato plant is growing!  I'm serious, these are real things that I have one hundred percent said in my life in the past few weeks, and I'm not mad about it.

Recently, I've had more and more people tell me about how they view me as a person and it truly is inspiring.  While one acknowledges how my smile makes their day seem a little brighter, another comments on my ability to always pull the one good thing out of a situation.  One person tells me they view me as the most confident person they know while another tells me they strive to be as carefree as I am so consistently.  But the truth is, it's not as easy as one thinks.

    I didn't use to wake up every day, early in the morning and say "what a beautiful sunrise", but rather I trained myself to enjoy something that I did love regardless of the time of day.  Soon enough the early morning turned into being able to experience the sunrise with a fresh cup of coffee in my hand.

    My smile became more prevalent when I celebrated a little moments in life.  A simple compliment.  A kind gesture.  Anything that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside was an excuse to smile.  And when I did, people noticed.  My facial features softened and I became more approachable in life.

    When I was a manager, I had to be the stronger one.  I had to be the motivator, the one who would keep these people going regardless if the task was fun or not.  I turned it into a game.  Yeah, cleaning kind of sucks, but I'll let you go home early.  Yeah it's raining, but at least you're working instead of having the day off.  I found myself constantly searching for positives in the day, not for myself, but for those around me.  They may have already been having a day, why would I add to that?

    Confidence is such a bitter sweet attribute because it can be faked so easily.  I tell everyone all the time, no one is confident, they are just determined to do something.  If you act confident, people will believe you even if you are scared out of your mind.  One can come off as the most confident person in the world and I guarantee they will be some of the most self-conscious people ever.

    I wish I could say being carefree is as fun as it looks but it can be just as stressful.  While I love doing things spontaneously and out-of-the-ordinary, there are more times than I care to admit when I wasn't really sure if I would make it home alive.  Being carefree is just a mindset.  

Being the positive one isn't easy.  It is easier to view the world how everyone else does, to see the misconceptions and the problems and focus on the negatives.  That's why we do it, because it's easy.  But the thing most people forget is positivity is easier when surrounded by positivity.  The times I have felt the most lost in my life were when I was surrounded by people who don't lift me up.  I know, I know, but how can I leave my friends?  They're all I have.  The kicker is you don't have to leave them.  Some you just outgrow and you just have to accept that.

I always thought people who were positive in life were just like that always but they're not.  They are like that because they surround themselves with atmospheres that create positivity.  It goes like this: If an alcoholic were to quit drinking, but left all the liquor bottles and beer cans in plain sight, chances are, they will probably have a very hard time quitting because they are constantly reminded of the thing they are trying to get rid of.  

Becoming the positive one doesn't happen overnight.  It takes time and it's not constant.  There are days I do not have the energy to be the happy, bubbly person everyone expects me to be.  And that's okay.  Because if you surround yourself with the right people, they will be there for you when you need someone else to shine for you.

To become the positive one, you must first separate yourself from the negative ones.

Is the Glass Half-Empty or Half-Full?

I always said I was the girl who saw the glass as half-empty.  

It wasn't that I didn't but more like I didn't want others to see.  

To see, that I was trying to fit in by not conforming to what everyone else in grade school said.  Looking back, I'm not really sure I even believe I believed that the glass was ever half-empty, I just wanted to be different than the rest.

I wanted there to be a debate, a glass half-full meant they would right.

I didn't want everything to be either all black or all white.

So I stood my ground, never backing down, 

And I kept telling the same story until eventually, I believed it... At least, until I didn't.  

One day, things changed, and that girl who tried so desperately to fit in just wasn't around.  If I told you an exact day, I'd be lying through my teeth, for how can I give a definite day my perspective changed?

I went from the girl who saw the worst in everything she did, to the one who always found the best in the situation.  The light in the darkness.  The positivity in a world of negatives.

How does someone change their whole perspective?

Was it a movie?  Was it a book?  A person.  A place.  A thing.

I don't think you can change a lifetime perspective from one earthly thing.

No, overtime, I think I just got tired.  Living in the glooms of life is hard when there is so much light to brighten our days.  Why would I ever be upset that I have to get up early because now I get to see the sun rise every, single day.  

Today, I am a glass is half-full kind of person.  Not because I have to be or I want to be, but because I am no longer the girl just trying to fit in.

Impossible. Difficult. Done.

 First, it's impossible.  Then, it's difficult.  And before you know it, it's done.

It's weird because I have never thought of a task or thing in this sequence before.  But anytime you want to try, to do something new, you go through this initial thought process.  

First, it's impossible.  Yeah, first, we think there is no possible way we could start a new business, ace that interview, get that promotion at work.  And it's true.  Most people think of trying something new as too hard to accomplish and therefore, impossible to achieve.  So what changes to get us from this first "impossible" stage to the next?  By faith, a lot can change.  The first step is believing in ourselves, believing that this want, this impossible thing we want to do, is, in fact, possible.

Then, it's difficult.  Congrats, you finally got the job, the promotion, the permit to start your new business.  And now, you feel lost in the world of not knowing what you're doing, trial and error phases of what works and what doesn't, constantly wondering if all your hopes and dreams for this thing you had wanted your life, is worth it.  And why?  Because it's difficult.  Change is difficult.  Building your life, your career into something bigger is difficult.  It's hard work.  And it's not just going to happen overnight.  But you got over the impossible phase, so difficult can it be?

And one day, you'll look back on life and realize, it's done.  You've reached that top position at work and you're thriving everyday, you love your career.  You officially opened the doors on your new business and it's flourishing like you always dreamed it would.  One day, you'll look around you and realize, the impossible was actually possible, you just didn't believe.  In yourself.  In the work.  In God.  One day, you'll realize, everything changed the day you took a chance to believe that everything would work out, someday, somehow, somewhere.  And it did.

Your dream, your purpose, your life is waiting to be fulfilled.  It may seem impossible now, but it won't always be that way.  It may seem difficult in the process, but nothing worth it, is ever easy to achieve.  You will feel like you're on a roller coaster, until one day you'll find yourself looking back and realizing you achieved the things you once thought were impossible.  One day, it will be done.

My younger self would never believe it.  Everything was impossible back then.  From reaching the top shelf to living in a new place, the world was full of impossible possibilities.  Then, life became difficult.  School was increasingly hard.  Family hardships brought on difficult emotional adjustments.  Career goals constantly began changing as life never quite seemed to be what I wanted it to be.  Then, it felt easy.  Everything I had worked for was falling into place.  I got the job.  I got the place.  I got the car.  And then, life wasn't all that.  I fell hard wondering where in life I was supposed to be.  I thought I was done.  What happened to that easy life?  But looking back, I had just achieved the impossible things I thought I could never do at the time, and now, I've started a new chapter.  

I'm starting my new impossible.  Life is beautiful like that, because in order to start a new impossible, I first would have had to have an impossible that became possible.  

Impossible.  Difficult.  Done.  An endless cycle that seems so crazily out of reach, we don't even realizing we are achieving it until it's done.  

Feeling the Feelings and Seeing the Difference

It's been a minute since I wrote on a platform other than the comfort of my notebook and pen.  The raw emotions just don't feel the same when you cannot see how the writing was written.  Truly, a lot can be read between the lines of scribbled, half-cursive handwriting or neat, well-thought-out, printed lettering.  I believe emotions play a stronger role than we realize in all aspects of life, but isn't that was makes it so incredible?

I can't say I opened a new page on this blog to talk about writing aspects and how it's not just the words but the feelings written in those words that tell the story too, yet here I am doing just that.  But really, have you ever thought of that?  As a writer, I notice when my handwriting goes from serious to playful to anxious to rushed, all simply by looking at the words I wrote down, not even reading them.  

Maybe this is just a writer thing, but I think it goes deeper than the initial thoughts and practices.  We like to assume that perfect, pretty writing correlates to well-thought out ideas but I find some of my loopiest handwriting to be when I can feel the words flowing out of me.  And those are my favorite writing days.  I don't think.  I just write.  I can feel the words.  I can breathe the energy.  I can taste the fire that moves through me as those words hit that paper.  It's magical to some degrees but not in a Disney princess kind of way.  It's deeper, coming from the mysteries of life only God can enlighten us about.  Those, those are my favorite writings.

There comes a day when the world no longer stops.

    When the world keeps living and I'm just here.

For the people who can keep living, I give you props.

    But for me, that's my biggest fear.

This life won't wait for me to explore.

    The tick of the clock is always near.

I'm waiting to walk through that new door.

    But first, I might as well stop for a beer.

        Tick.  One second goes by.

        Tock.  Two days later.

        Tick.  Three years just happened.

        Tock.  Four words... Where did time go?

There comes a day when the world no longer stops.

    Days turn into nights and I'm still just living.

I look around and my stomach drops.

    Not living, but barely surviving.

Friendly Advice

"No, I just want you to be strong and not follow us and be yourself."

Never in my life have I been called a follower.  I have always been known to choose my own path, write my own papers, and speak up for myself.  So when one of my best friends said this phrase to me, it really got me thinking.  For as long as I can remember in my life, I have always been a leader in almost everything I've done.  Whether that was through FFA, 4-H, school clubs, at work, or in sports, I've always been that person in a friend group who is making the plans and reservations to ensure we get to go out.

So as I was always considered the leader or "mom" of the group, it honestly scared me to be called out on being a follower.  Not to say being a follower is always a bad thing, however, I know my best friend meant it in a way where he knew it needed to be said for me to figure it out.  

And the truth is, he's right.  

Ever since I've left home for college and only been home on random occasions, I've changed a lot.  I used to be that strong leader my best friend knew so well, but the more I went to college, the more I lost that strength.  And it wasn't necessarily because of college, but rather when I was given the chance to come home or stay at college, I chose home.

It's natural to choose home over a far away place as comfort, but I've never been that scared little girl to go out into the real world.  I seek out adventures and am constantly looking for a new challenge.  But my one problem is, I really hate change.

Guys, I don't think many people realize that change really does suck, especially when you're from a small rural town, where pretty much everything stays the same.  And for me, I've already had so much change in my life, I don't like having more.  So when given the opportunity to not deal with it, I often pick the easier route and go back to familiar things, places, and people, such as my hometown.

So I wanted to focus on the three different ideas I was told.

Be Strong.

You are never too old to find strength in your weaknesses.  Strength doesn't come from the outside world, it comes from within you.  To be strong, there is no specific set of qualifications you need.  No, strength is a mindset and you just need to believe you can be strong.

Some may tell you strength is physical, but it's not.  The mental capability it takes to be strong is far greater than any amount of weight you may be able to hold with your hands.  It is not enough to say you can bench 350 pounds when you can't find the strength to be a kind person each day.  So when I tell you to be strong, I mean be strong in your mind and your heart.

Don't Follow.

So many people find themselves lost in a constant battle of being a follower.  And why?  Because no one is born a leader, you must learn to become one.  And for many people, that is the biggest issue as they do not have the guidance they need in life to become a leader.

I am fortunate enough to have had multiple people and organizations around which helped to shape me into the leader I am today, and yet, I still struggle to stay leading.  It is not enough to be a leader every once and a while, if you choose to follow people in every other aspect of life.  As my bestie said, "I don't want you to follow us.," and he's right.  Because I know I am enough and I can do anything I set my mind to.

Be Yourself.

Probably one of the biggest things people forget to do is just to be yourself.  So many times I've tried to be something I'm not and it always backfires.  There is only one you for a reason so let yourself be the best possible you, you can be.  

Being yourself can be scary, especially when faced with new challenges and a hell of a lot of strangers.  But it starts with the self-confidence that you are where you are supposed to be and you know you will be amazing at what you do.  You got this, so be yourself.

Life is constantly full of ups and downs and unless you stay true to yourself, you will not succeed at what you want most in life.  Stay strong.  Be a leader.  And most importantly, be yourself.

On the count of three...

 Hey loves so here's the thing.  We were never made to fight every battle alone.  Even the strongest still need a little encouragement every once and a while.  Now you may think you're sitting out here all alone with no one beside you, but the truth is, there's always at least one person thinking of you.  You may not think so, but I can promise you there is.  

In a world where the future is so unpredictable, we often fall back to familiarity in feelings, emotions, and people.  The problem with this is we can't fight our new battles using our old methods.  Look at the wars as they have progressed over time.  With new technology brought new weapons and fighting methods.  Similarly, with new problems brings new ways to approach, battle, and conquer these problems.

People are going to come in and out your life frequently, and the thing is, that's okay.  Not everyone's meant to stay even if you want them to.  Right now, I'm struggling to be secure and have a sense of motivation in life to keep doing things, whether its work, a class, going out, or doing basic chores around the house.  

We all, at one point in our lives, are going to experience a time, where we don't know what to do because we don't want to do it.  And that's okay.  It's okay to be in that place right now.  I know there's a way out of it but I also know I have to find that way on my own.  And to do that means I have to let go of some things that I've been trying to hold on to for longer than I should have.  More specifically, I need to let go of some people, no matter how hard it hurts.

Eventually we just have to agree to let go of you and me.

Here's Let Go of You and Me

It's funny how the good ones go

    but still stick around.

It's funny how we put on a show

    but can't be tied down.

We hate to love and hate to wait.

We can't go back to where we used to be,

So on the count of three can we agree,

to let go, let go of you and me?

ONE.

one last time to see your face.

one more goodbye to erase.

one last chance to set things right.

one more stay overnight.

one last look in your eyes.

one more time to apologize.

We hate to love and hate to wait.

We can't go back to where we used to be,

So on the count of three can we agree,

to let go, let go of you and me?

ONE.  TWO.

two last kisses goodbye.

two more tears that I'll cry.

two last days before we go.

two more fears I now know.

two last seconds to see that blue.

two more times before we ask who.

We hate to love and hate to wait.

We can't go back to where we used to be,

So on the count of three can we agree,

to let go, let go of you and me?

ONE.  TWO.  THREE.

Using Hate to Love

Most people don't know this about life but there really is a secret to live in this crazy world.  We take for granted the things we have directly in front of us because we are scared to lose these things so we often choose to not even get attached.  This is the problem we face.  We, as human beings have become so focused on not getting attached, not having that emotional connection, not wanting to get hurt that it takes away from the very thing that makes us who we are.

Emotions are not meant to be kept inside.  We are meant to feel things.  Hope.  Misery.  Happiness.  Laughter.  Sadness.  Anger.  Joy.  Excitement.  Surprise.  Worry.  We are meant to feel.  So why then are we trying to cover up the very things that keep as human?  I really can't talk.  I know I'm known for bottling up my emotions and not saying them to anyone because we all believe it's "easier."  Not saying anything is taking the fast lane and trying to fast forward our lives to the better part.  Get out of this funk and move on to better, happier things.

But please that's not how life works people and I can testify to that.  In a world filled with a million reasons to hate feelings, I find a billion reasons to love it.  And why?  Because I believe in this world.  I believe in other people.  I believe in myself.  I don't count on other people because I don't want to have to depend on others.  But I always want people to depend on me.  If you need me, I will be there.  Not because I have to either, but because I want to.

This is what I'm saying with the love and hate thing.  So many people use love as a way to hate others, society, everything.  But the thing is if you flip it around, it's amazing what you can do.  You may use love to hate but I use hate to love.  

Hate to Love?

It's kind of an odd way to describe something but it makes sense when you think about it.  For everything someone does to me that isn't what I want, it gives me another reason to give them a chance to be better.  To do good.  Their hate gives me another reason to give them love because they need it in their lives.

Now you're probably thinking, my gosh, this girl is crazy.  Does she even realize what she's saying?  Believe me, I do.  It took me a while to figure this out but I really do believe in this weird thing.  I do not like to show my emotions, my feelings, my love in an essence, so I use the hate of others to show it.  An odd concept but when put into action, it works.

If you use love to hate then you are not understanding the meaning of life.  You cannot love something without hating something else.  By hating things, I am loving others.  It's backwards.  It's weird.  It's crazy even.  But the more I write and think about it, the more I really believe in this crazy idea.

Ask me if I like that girl from high school and I will tell you no but I love the way she isn't afraid to stand up and be who she wants.  You see, hate can become good when followed with kindness.  It's when we say we love something but then refute it by saying there is a problem with them tho, that we are getting rid of everything nice we say and accomplish in life.

You may use love to hate but, darling I use hate to love.

Here's Hate to Love...

You may use love to bait.
You may use love when you wait.
You may use love as a human trait.
But darling, I use hate to love.

You may use love as a sign.
You may use love to shine.
You may use love to say you're fine.
But darling, I use hate to love.

     We love to hate.  And hate to love.
     And wonder what we're dying of.
     We're scared to feel that way again.
     So I close my eyes and count to 10.
       1, 2, 3,
          I'm not ready to see.
       4, 5, 6,
          it's time to be fixed.
       7, 8, 9,
          I'm cutting that line.
       10,
          I use hate to love.  Amen.

You may use love to be strong.
You may use love when you're wrong.
You may use love to write a new song.
But darling, I use hate to love.

You may use love to speak.
You may use love when you're weak.
You may use love to be unique.
But darling, I use hate to love.

     We love to hate.  And hate to love.
     And wonder what we're dying of.
     We're scared to feel that way again.
     So I close my eyes and count to 10.
       1, 2, 3,
          I am ready to be.
       4, 5, 6,
          I won't fall for your tricks.
       7, 8, 9,
          You're not my life line.
       10,
          I use hate to love.  Amen.